Super Dads
We all know that when men become fathers they want to be the best dads they can be. They want to be nurturing and present and even fun. To honor this desire, is there anything a mom can do to help their partner be the dad he wants to be? As it turns out, there is!
If we take a look at the animal kingdom for some guidance, we find several species, such as marmosets and tamarinds, in which father-care is prominent. Hrdy (2024) calls these fathers “hyper-nurturing males.”
These New-World monkey fathers have a very high level of oxytocin – the nurturing hormone-- which increases even more when they smell their newborns. Marmoset moms make sure that the dad is near his babies so he can spend time with them. And it works! These hyper-nurturing dads carry the baby from the first day of life. They also introduce their babies to solid foods and teach them to forage. This frees the mother up to search for nourishing food so she can buff up for her next pregnancy.
What’s the evolutionary purpose of all this attention from these marmoset dads? In these species, the fact that the father is present after birth and involved in the family increases the survival rates of his offspring.
Can human moms help their partners to become hyper-nurturing dads? Yes, indeed. The major factor that increases oxytocin in humans is close contact with their babies, a factor that Hrdy calls “time in proximity.” As soon as the baby is born, moms can encourage dads to hold, cuddle, and enjoy time alone with the child. Let the dad accompany the baby to the nursery where he can continue to hold the baby. (He can even learn to change diapers and to bathe the baby.)
Once the baby leaves the hospital and comes home, partners can consider sharing baby duties. How would it feel to alternate diaper changes? And if the mom is breastfeeding, she can pump some extra breast milk for the dad to give to the baby. Most dads love to feed their baby and doing so will raise their oxytocin levels even higher.
At night, consider having one partner be responsible for the baby from 6 PM to midnight and the other partner from midnight to 6 am. That way, both partners will get not only “alone time” with the baby, but also at least 6 hours of continuous sleep each night. Also, consider hiring a night nurse when needed, so both partners can get a long and good night’s sleep!